The paths we choose
by ReversedLolita
Summary: After a hard case, Olivia finds Amanda alone in a city bar; how will a short time alone change their relationship?


**Here's a short oneshot to make up for the fact that I was a week late updating Open nights; It was written for fabulous writer 'I can be anything', based on the season 14 episode 'girl dishonoured'**

**...**

"Buy a girl a drink?" Olivia smiled as she slid into the barstool beside Amanda.

Amanda lifted her head solemnly from the bar, recognising the gentle voice at her side, her vision filled by Olivia's olive toned face and loose falling chestnut waves.

"Where's Fin?" She sighed, turning her head away and finishing off the last of her beer.

"He's with Ken, asked me to send his apologies." Olivia shrugged, taking out her purse.

Amanda's hand quickly covered hers as she pulled out a series of notes. Olivia smiled before putting her money away.

"I was joking, but thanks." She smiled as Amanda set her money on the bar.

"Mm..." Amanda mumbled as she rubbed the backs of her hands across the burning of her eyes.

She was exhausted; it had been a long case with no real happy ending – figures. Olivia's eyes followed her movements silently, watching as the blonde's slender fingers traced over the dark circles beneath her eyes, body weak with exhaustion as her muscles screamed for rest, mind already growing foggy with alcohol consumption. Her eyes shifted then to the bartender who brought them each a beer before sliding Amanda's money from the bench.

"Amanda?" Olivia whispered, catching the blonde's fingers between her own as they absentmindedly swirled around the moist glass of her beer.

"I'm here, you know, if you want to talk." Olivia breathed after a moment as Amanda continued to avoid her gaze.

She grazed her thumb across the back of Amanda's hand before releasing her hold on the woman with a sigh, taking a swig of her beer.

"Is it always like this?" Amanda finally breathed, feeling frustration bubbling in the pit of her stomach. "I mean is it always so painful, so raw and just..." Amanda sighed. "So unrelenting..."

Olivia bit her lip as she watched the woman beside her swallow the amber liquid clasped between her palms. She didn't have much of an answer to the question, however frequently she had been asked it; she still questioned herself at night after all these years as she lay alone in the apartment that often felt too big for her, too empty. Amanda didn't seem to notice her silence, too absorbed in the dark thoughts that consumed her night after night, day after day.

"How do you do it?" Amanda asked suddenly, her fingers still sliding around the bottles rim.

It was Olivia's turn to take a heavy drink, liquid burning all the way down her throat.

"Motivation." She said finally.

"Since when is motivation enough?" Amanda scoffed, downing the last of her third beer. "The perps have got motivation too."

"What happened to that girl wasn't your fault." Olivia replied briskly.

Amanda choked slightly, her faltering composure more than obvious before it was just as quickly reclaimed.

"You know that don't you?" Olivia questioned more gently, moving to brush a stray honey blonde tress behind the younger woman's ear; her thumb lingering the curve of Amanda's jaw.

Amanda leaned into the brunette's touch momentarily before pulling away with a shrug, calling the bartender for another beer. Olivia frowned, swirling the drink that had grown warm between her palms before she pushed it to the side.

"So tell me detective Benson, tell me why you do it, what's your _motivation_." Amanda questioned, unable to prevent the almost bitter slip of her tongue – anger now flaming in her chest as the alcohol burned through her body; more furious with herself than anyone else.

"I..." Olivia stuttered, taken back by the sudden force in Amanda's voice. "My mother was raped." She sighed, attempting to sound indifferent. "And she had me."

The breath hitched in Amanda's throat at Olivia's statement, the amount of detachment it was laced with. She felt stupid, rude; Amanda had heard rumours of Olivia's work with SVU but she had brushed them all off as dramatisations of the truth, but they were real.

"Liv, I..." She whispered, shaking her head.

"It's fine." The brunette shrugged. "Everyone finds out eventually. Forget about it." She smiled weakly, giving Amanda's shoulder a gentle squeeze.

Amanda caught the brunette's slender olive hand as it slid down her arm, causing the woman's chocolate eyes to give her a questioning look.

"I know that you probably don't care what I think but." Amanda sighed. "You're phenomenal Liv and I... you know what an amazing cop I think you are, I mean, you're the reason I wanted to be a cop and you're just..." Amanda trailed.

"Rollins?" Olivia smiled with a raise of her eyebrow.

Amanda blushed, tripping on her own words, remembering how loose alcohol always made her tongue.

"I do care what you think of me." Olivia whispered. "And I'm really glad that what you think of me is good." Olivia admitted finally, her eyes averting slightly. "I don't often think good things about myself..."

Amanda wondered if the alcohol in her veins was causing her to hallucinate, praying that this wasn't some twisted dream.

"I..." Amanda stuttered.

"_I_..." Olivia interjected. "Think I should take you home; you've had more than enough to drink for tonight detective." She chided, sliding from her seat and bending to pick up her purse.

Amanda lazily followed the curvature of the brunette's body until Olivia rose again, taking a hand to help her up. Amanda was regrettably a light weight and was forced to admit that after only a few beers she had become a little more than tipsy, wobbling on her feet as she tried to stand.

"Careful." Olivia breathed as Amanda slipped from the stool, falling partly across Olivia's chest before the brunette could catch her.

"Sorry." Amanda mumbled, trying to steady herself.

"Let's get you home." Olivia smiled, bringing the woman to a door at the bars side.

Amanda's body trembled as the cold air swirled around them, seeking warmth by nestling into Olivia's side where the older woman wrapped an arm around her with a lopsided smile.

"My car is just down here." Olivia whispered, pointing to the end of the alley way.

Amanda nodded sleepily, burying her hands in the pockets of her jeans as she allowed Olivia to guide her movements. Olivia made it effortless for her; the athletic blonde seeming to weigh no more than a feather as she near lifted the woman into her cars passenger side and shut the door.

"Where do you live?" Olivia asked as she turned the keys in her ignition.

Amanda mumbled something almost unrecognisable, though Olivia managing to decipher it, before she pulled away from the curb and drove through the city streets. Amanda curled up in her seat, bringing her knees to her chest, as she watched the lights pass them by. Olivia flicked her eyes between Amanda and the road, watching the way the blonde drew pictures through the fog that had gathered on her window; only a few simple swirls and a little heart that caused a smile to flitter across Olivia's lips.

"Amanda?" Olivia finally whispered, placing a hand low on the blonde's thigh to gain her attention.

Amanda jumped slightly at the woman's touch before she remembered the company beside her. The combination of alcohol and little rest in the last week had made her mind fuzzy behind drooping lids until she struggled to stay awake, of course, Olivia noticed this. The older detective smiled gently as she slid from the car, making her way to Amanda's side before opening the door. Without the door's support, Amanda slipped slightly before Olivia caught her with a laugh and shake of her head.

"Come on Rollins, you don't expect me to carry you, do you?" Olivia smiled.

"Uh huh..." Amanda mumbled sleepily, nuzzling her head into the crook of Olivia's neck, breathing deeply into the woman's hair.

Olivia sighed, though unable to hold the sheepish grin across her lips.

"You owe me one Rollins." She whispered, sliding one arm underneath Amanda's legs and the other around the small of her back until a hand rested upon her shoulder.

Amanda yawned as Olivia hoisted her from the car, swinging her hips to shut the door of her car before starting up the steps to Amanda's apartment. She nodded at the doorman who flashed her a questioning look as she entered the elevator.

"What floor?" She whispered into Amanda's cheek, her nose grazing against it slightly.

"Five." Amanda groaned, snuggling further into Olivia's body.

Olivia smiled as she stood waiting with the blonde in her arms, glad that the woman seemed to be feeling better; even happier that, selfishly, she was happy too.

When they reached Amanda's apartment Olivia fished awkwardly in Amanda's pocket for the keys, half balancing the sleepy blonde on her knee as she pushed open the door.

"Here we are." She smiled, carrying Amanda inside.

When Amanda yawned again Olivia searched for the bedroom, finding it on the right of the woman's apartment where she entered slowly; having expected Amanda to stop her before this point. Not a murmur came from the woman in her arms until Olivia tried to set her down across the bed, Amanda fisting her hands in the brunette's clothing.

"Stay..." Amanda pleaded weakly.

Olivia pulled her face back slightly to gaze at the woman, both of them half placed on the bed's edge; Olivia was struck by Amanda's large blue-green doe like eyes gazing up at her, feeling her mouth grow dry at the feel of Amanda's breath against her face. Amanda reached up to trace a lazy, lingering, trail across Olivia's cheek before she could no longer prevent the movement of her face towards the woman before her. Amanda kissed the brunette gently, trying to concentrate on her tender movements as Olivia's hand wandered to her shoulder.

"Amanda..." The older woman breathed, gently pushing the blonde away as she guided a path down the bed.

Amanda could feel a sinking within her chest as Olivia pushed her down with a sigh before moving to take off her boots.

"I think it's time you got some rest." Olivia smiled gently, placing Amanda's boots at the foot of the bed and raising the covers up to her neck.

When Olivia reached the woman's face again she knelt down at the bed's side, overing on her toes as she reached out a hand to stroke back Amanda's hair.

"Goodnight Amanda." She whispered, stroking her thumb across the blonde's cheek before leaning in until her face hovered just above Amanda's.

Olivia hesitated for a moment as Amanda's gaze focussed, half lidded, upon her.

"Call me." She finally breathed.

Olivia placed a chaste kiss on Amanda's lips before she left just as briskly as she had come.

**...**

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